The voice had asked me to visualize a colour for my anxiety – I immediately saw a dark, petrol blue mark.
It was liquid and real. That was my anxiety.
I could see it in my mind, smell it (petrol) and touch it (oily, dense, sticky).
Send the colour waves of positive energy until it becomes white, said the voice.
And I did try with all my will. The positive waves were present, I could feel it. But it was not easy to wash away the petrol stain.
I was meditating with one of my favourite apps* after dropping off my daughter to her first day in big school. She is four and a half. She is one metre tall. She looked proud and cute and honestly so little on her uniform this morning.
Visualise the base of your spine, the voice continued, breathe deeply there.
This is the first chakra, the one related to feeling safe in the world. It is said that the relationship with a loving mother the first months of your life is crucial for an healthy first chakra.
The petrol stain was still there.
I concentrated powerful positive energy towards it, and I suddenly saw that my anxiety was not what I thought – first day of school for my daughter.
It is bigger than that.
My anxiety is trusting the school system with my children. Actually, trusting other adults with my children. Giving them authority over my children. Recognizing that I can’t protect them forever. I can’t keep them physically at my side forever. I need to let them go.
I need to trust the human race.
When I was pregnant I decided for a natural wild birth and I had it. Even the midwife didn’t help much – I was in the birthing pool and you basically do everything by yourself. As a primitive woman. I found it empowering.
When my children were tiny babies, I rarely left them. I have always believed in skin contact between mother and baby.
They slept in their Moses baskets near my bed for the first months. During the day, I kept them with me most of the time.
I breast fed them for 25 months each, enjoying every moment of it. Both of them have been cheerful and happy babies, keen to explore the world and confident that I was there for them if they needed me. I didn’t interfere with their first explorations, I didn’t run to pick them up if they fell and it was nothing to worry about – I just kept an eye on them all the time.
This apparently good balance was disturbed when society reclaimed my children for nursery.
Leaving them? And just go? Are you kidding, society?
What are you going to say to them? Are you going to promote the good values we believe in – non violence, respect, freedom? How can I trust you won’t say something hurtful to them, like “please stop behaving like a baby, you are four years old”, if they don’t want to do something you ask them to do?
The answer is, I can’t control everything.
To me, this still comes as a shock.
Once my father told me something I will never forget: “Trust your children’s good star”.
I learned to trust my own, long ago.
Now it is time for me to work towards trusting my children’s good star too.
* The app is calm.com